Reflection

You know, I've always hated the word "reflection". It's been used for years by school admins to get students to think deeply about some mundane task they've completed, as if there's some pride or sense of accomplishment to be found somewhere if you just find some metaphorical meaning in it. Oftentimes this has the effect of causing students to become really good at pulling deep thoughts right out of their ass without even thinking about it. I would know - I'm one of them. "Reflection" to me is synonymous with "bull". But as I drove home today, I found myself really, truly reflecting - perhaps for the first time in years.

Last night was a perfect example of a Colorado night. The sky was so clear that I could see the Milky  Way and thousands of stars glittered brightly across the black fabric of space. I sat in my tent (it was cold) and chowed down on my last tin foil packet camp meal for a while. While I ate I thought back on all the places this trip has taken me and all of the things that I've seen. I've been through 15 states, seen 18 national parks (and a multitude of other landmarks), and run down over 10,000 miles of road (not all of it paved). I've seen meteor craters, stone arches, ancient villages, giant redwoods, spouting geysers, roaring waterfalls, and vast plains hundreds of miles wide. I've encountered grizzly bears, black bears, foxes, bison, elk, pronghorn, bighorn sheep, moose, deer, and thousands of birds and rodents (and amassed quite a representative collection of North American insects on my radiator). I've seen monsoons, hail, blistering heat, and clouds full of rainbows - though mostly I've seen the glorious sun. I've forded rivers, climbed mountains, hiked up knife-edge ridges, stood on the edge of giant cliffs, wandered across meadows, and ridden horseback on the beach. I've driven neverending straight roads, curvy roads, hilly roads, steep roads, delightfully twisty roads, dirt roads, gravel roads, huge interstates, tiny one-way streets. And I've met amazing people everywhere along the way - hot rodders, car enthusiasts, appreciators of nature and beauty, vacationers, adventurers, people who love to hear stories, people who love to tell stories, wishers and hopers and dreamers. I can only hope to have inspired some of them with my journey. I have been so, so lucky to have the opportunity to take this trip. But it's not just about having the opportunity - it's about making it happen, about seizing that chance and making it a reality.

When I first told people that I was planning this trip, the general response was, "That sounds awesome!" But I think no one really expected me to go through with it. After all, my car was not that reliable and completely unproven (thanks to the wreck). I had no one to travel with. And I guess it just seemed like some huge epic dream that could never become a reality. The closer I got to the trip, the more I was greeted with trepidation, incredulity, and skepticism. "What ifs" cropped up like weeds and people seemed to become genuinely concerned, to the point where I wondered if I should be concerned too, if I was missing something and not seeing what everyone else could see. But I don't really blame them - it is a bit of an insane endeavor to take a not-quite-reliable 48-year-old piece of machinery (that had been totaled the year prior, no less) on a multi-month tour of the United States more or less by myself.

Probably the most commonly asked question before I left was, "Do you really trust your car to do this?" For a while, the answer was, "I'm not sure but I'll find out!". As I progressed through my trip, that became an overwhelming, resounding, "Absolutely." Like any Mustang, Jane will test you and find your weaknesses and exploit them until you are forced to turn them into strengths. And then, once you're worthy of it, she'll buckle down and take you anywhere.

I can honestly say that this trip has made me a better person. Oh, not in any huge measurable way - I'm still unreasonably paranoid about my car, incredibly forgetful, bad at thinking things through, and prone to eating far too much ice cream. But I've gotten better at getting along with people and making friends even in the most unlikely of places. I still blindly follow the GPS, but at least I have enough sense now to know when it's taking me the wrong way (I will continue to follow the GPS even if it's wrong and I know it's wrong, of course). And I now know how to make a reasonable meal out of odd ingredients or whatever I have on hand, because I am inevitably too lazy to go to the nearest grocery store. But most importantly, I've learned how to take the road less traveled (to be cliche) and to be totally okay with that. For some people, the road less traveled is something to be avoided, as surely it is less traveled for a reason. Others seek it out just to be different from everyone else. Me, I don't fall into either of those categories anymore. I don't feel the need to see what everyone else is doing anymore to validate what I'm doing. Whether or not a road is less traveled or more traveled, if it gets me where I think I need to go then that's what I'm going to take. I've stopped getting so caught up in the "what ifs", all the worries about things that could go wrong and concerns about what other people will think, and started instead asking, "why not?".

There is a lot of power in the question "Why not?". This trip has really brought that home to me. Of course, for some things - like going up a 4x4 trail in a vintage Mustang - the answer to that question is, "Because it's a really bad idea". But you've got to try and to figure things out for yourself. You don't end up all the way across the country having the time of your life by asking "what if?". I'm not saying you should abandon all good judgement and go haring off on wild rides all the time, of course. What I'm really trying to get at is that it's important for us as human beings to pursue our dreams and to make them reality. That's how you grow and learn. I could have spent the end of my summer sitting on the couch, watching TV and saving money. But I don't think a single person would really choose that over the opportunity to go see some of the world. So start asking "why not?", make that choice available, and then take it. It really is extraordinarily empowering.

One of the questions I got asked most frequently during my travels was, “Where are you headed?” Sometimes I would say Colorado, sometimes California. But I noticed that people seemed to like it best when I just shrugged. Something about that – that taste of pure freedom – really appeals to people. So most of the time, I would shrug and they would grin and comment on how lucky I was to have no destination and no responsibilities.

What people don’t realize is that freedom is not the complete absence of responsibilities. Freedom is having the power to make the choice. Even on this trip, with weeks and weeks of time to go wherever I want, I still have responsibilities (minor as they may be). And every day, I have had the freedom to make the choice – to decide if I would cater to them or not. A professor of mine was fond of saying, “You can do whatevvvvverrrr you want, you just have to understand the consequences of your actions”. And he’s absolutely right. This trip has really made me realize that – I always have a choice. Some make my life harder, and some make my life easier. But it's me who's in charge of making those choices, no one else. And that's what freedom is.

So really I guess in closing what I’d like people to think about is their concept of freedom, and maybe to modify it a bit. It seems this great unattainable thing to many people - at some point or another, everyone feels held down by work and family and societal responsibilities, and everyone wishes they were free to just do whatever they wanted with no responsibilities. But that's not what freedom really is. So many people hold themselves back, wishing they could feel the freedom I do, because they think that they can’t have it too. The thing is, you don’t have to sacrifice a whole lot for your freedom. Make the choice, seize control of your life and commit. Even if it makes your life harder, you'll be a better person for it. But realize that freedom is not the absence of everything that "holds you down" - it's knowing how to deal with all of those things and finding a way to be happy anyways, choosing to pursue your dreams.

Thank you to everyone who helped make my dream possible. My parents have always been my greatest supporters - they have always cheered me on, even when I'm doing things that must just terrify them. 

Thanks to friends and family who have helped out or just wished me luck. 

Thank you to the Carquest guys, who helped me through a rocky start with the fuel pump at the beginning of my trip. 

Thanks to Bruce and Julie of Boise, ID, for showing me so much hospitality - it really meant a lot to have people watching my back for me and lending a hand. I had so much fun with you guys! The huckleberry jam is going fast.

Thanks to Jeff of San Jose, CA for organizing a VMFer cruise and showing me around town for the day. I can't wait to visit again!

Thanks to Rich and Amy of Mountain View, CA for their offer of hospitality - again, really means a lot to have people who have my back!

Thanks to Armon of San Jose, CA and his family for their hospitality. I really enjoyed seeing more of San Jose and the Persian food was delicious! Big props also for helping patch Jane's heater up.

Thanks to the rest of the Bay Area VMFers who cruised with me and made my day so wonderful!

Thanks to my adoptive parents Bryan and Hottie for putting me up in Phoenix and taking me cruising around there - it is always so awesome to see you guys.

Thanks to Chad of Flagstaff, AZ (and his family) for putting me up for the night and for offering his shop up for a bit of brake work!

Thanks to all of my campsite neighbors who kept me company and watched out for me - it was really great getting to know you guys, even briefly. 

And thanks to everyone else that I met along the way - all of you were awesome! It's been a hell of a ride.

Stay tuned for one more post - the "costs and damages" post - and then after that I'll be done! Kelly signing out.